Saturday, December 15, 2012

Undead-teen Romances

You know what I hate more than undead-teen romances? Me neither! Especially Twilight! It makes me want to puke! Where do I even begin with the things I hate about it? How about the writing and general quality? All I have to say about that is that the terrible fan fictions written by people who can barely spell are probably no worse. Then there's the complete lack of accuracy to what those creatures are supposed to be? Vampires do not sparkle. Let me say that again. VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE. When they are exposed to sunlight, they scream in pain as their flesh burns away, until all that's left is a pile of ash. Also, they prey on humans. They don't spare them based on just their feelings. Sure, there have been instances when a vampire and a human become allies, or even lovers, but it always begins with the vampire having a good reason not to kill the human, then things just kind of work out for the two of them. For example, in Underworld, Seline meets Michael because the Lycans were targeting him because as she later finds out, he's a descendant of the father of the original vampire and the original werewolf. But anyway, there are several valid types of vampire. I'll name a few. My favorite is the one I call the predator vampire. They look fairly human, but with longer slightly limbs, plus razor sharp teeth and claws and very dark eyes. Their standard M.O. is to savagely rip people apart. Probably the oldest type is the elegant vampire. These are usually European, wear long cloaks, and are very elegant. They have powers like shapeshifting, or turning into smoke, and usually sneak behind their victims before biting into their necks. Also, there's the modern vampire. Modern vampires look almost identical to humans unless you look closely at their teeth and sometimes their eyes. They use guns, swords, or pretty much any weapon available to them in battle, but usually just drink the blood from their victims' necks. These three types are the most common, but some franchises have their own slightly different take on vampires, most of which are valid. Sparkling vampires are not. My main objection is to the depiction of vampires, but don't think that the werewolves are off the hook. In my experience with movies, video games, comic books, etc. there are two main types of werewolf. The lunar werewolf most likely sees lycanthropy as a curse, and changes involuntarily when there's a full moon and only when there's a full moon. There's also the type that sees lycanthropy as a gift and only changes at will. The ones in Twilight are pretty similar to the second category, so I can't get too mad at them for that. What I can get mad at is similar to what makes me angry about the false vampires, which is the implication that werewolves see humans as anything other than food. The worst part of a chick flick with vampires and werewolves in it is that it proves we live in a world where that can exist. The second worst things is that it's giving young impressionable minds false ideas about what vampires and werewolves are. Every time I hear someone utter the phrase "team Jacob" or "team Edward," I want to punch them in the face. I don't, mostly because our civilization is dominated by rules, most of which are based on a philosophy that advises against doing that kind of thing, but I want to. And just when I thought I could be happy that Twilight is over, I saw a trailer for a new movie. Only the concept for this one is even more idiotic. Want to guess? I'll give you a hint: what sort of undead creature do you think is least likely to be in a romantic situation? A zombie, right? So guess what the plot of the movie Warm Bodies is? A freakin' zombie falls in love with a teenage girl. The zombie is about her age, so it's not creepy in that sense, but the whole point of a zombie is that the person is dead, but their body is still moving. There's nothing left in the brain except motor functions and very basic instincts. But at least we have an awesome TV show about zombies, so I'm not bothered too much by the existence of this movie. But as far as vampires go, there needs to be at the very least one really good vampire movie that comes out in the near future to atone for the abomination that isTwilight. Werewolves too, but vampires got the most abuse from that series, so their need is more urgent. That is all.

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